Friday, January 23, 2009

5 WWE Activities You Can't Get Away With At Work

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The WWE is a business, and at the end of the day wrestlers are employees; employees that wear spandex, but employees none-the-less.

WWE Superstars get a paycheck just like you, they file taxes just like you, but there are a few differences between your job and theirs besides the fact that they work in a ring and you work in a cubicle.

As someone who’s watched pro wrestling for most of his life, I consider myself rather educated in the world of sports entertainment, and as such I’ve come to notice many things that WWE wrestlers can do in their jobs that everyday folk simply can’t get away with. Some are bluntly obvious, while others ... not so much so; whatever the situation, I present to you a list of 5 WWE Activities You Couldn’t Get Away With At Work …

#5 : Drinking Beer On The Job …

“Stone Cold” Steve Austin made his millions in the WWE by being a belligerent drunk in the ring. He’d regularly drink 5 beers at a time while he was “on the clock”, but that’s something most employees in everyday 9-5 jobs simply can’t get away with.

It’s one thing to go to happy hour after work and have a few drinks with your co-workers. In many ways that’s encouraged, as it promotes office bonding and a tight knit work environment, but I’m sure your boss would sing a different tune if you walked into the office with a six pack and began cracking open cold cans of Bud Light while emailing him the company's monthly sales numbers.

The problem is, being able to drink beer in the office would be absolutely awesome.

As someone who has previously worked in sales, I can say first hand that after being reamed out by a customer there would be no better release than to reach into a cooler, lean back in your chair, and chug a beer at 11 in the morning. Sadly however, most bosses wouldn’t deem this as appropriate behavior.

Bosses will claim it’s for “safety reasons”, or that it’s “not appropriate”, but we all know the truth; it’s simply because they can’t get away with it either.

Most bosses are as petty as a kid in the 1st grade, and as such, if they can’t drink, you can’t drink; but if you were in the WWE you’d be able to get trashed at any point you wanted.

#4 : Dressing Like A Slut …

This one applies mostly to women, as I highly doubt most of the men reading this would ever consider going to work wearing a lace bra and panties set.

Women in a work environment are often urged to not dress provocatively. Many employers see women who dress in a sexy manner as a distraction to male employees, and bait for an inevitable sexual harassment lawsuit when an ass is “accidentally slapped”. That school of thought doesn’t apply in the WWE, as the WWE encourages its female employees to dress as sexy as possible at all times.

While everyone has heard stories about the “sexy secretary” who will nail you on the copier, or the HR chick who gives blowjobs in the supply closet, most of the time those stories are works of fiction, and most guys who work in a 9-5 job can only imagine what their young secretary looks like when not wearing a pant suit. In the WWE it’s not that way, as all you have to do is ask one of the Divas to disrobe and they’ll do it in a heartbeat.

I’m not saying WWE Divas are sluts, I’m simply saying they’re more apt to see disrobing as a way to get a promotion and a pay raise than your secretary is.If I had to describe them, I’d say they’re exhibitionistic optimists.

No, I'm not sure exhibitionistic is actually a word.

Anyways, while a WWE Diva will willingly disrobe on a whim, everyday 9-5 secretaries will most likely act offended if asked to do the same thing.

For whatever reason women in an office environment find it insulting and degrading to be asked to take off their top in the middle of a work week; maybe it’s because they’re prudes, or maybe they’re ashamed of their body. Whatever the case may be, getting a secretary to strip at 1:30 on a Wednesday afternoon is an open invitation to the magical amusement park known as Unemploymentville, while in the WWE it’s a pre-requisite to being a top employee.

#3 : The Whole Fighting Thing …

Everyone, no matter how laid back they are, has disagreements in the office.

Maybe you get annoyed that the nerdy guy constantly steals notebooks off your desk, or maybe you get ticked that the kiss-ass got promoted over you despite the fact that you work 100x harder. Whatever the situation, everyone at one point or another has an urge to drag one of their co-workers outside by their tie and beat them senseless.

In most office environments doing something like that is going to lead to a pink slip and a trip to the police station, but in the WWE that’s just another day in the office.

In the WWE the management encourages you to beat the hell out of someone you have an issue with.

If a fellow wrestler steals your Post-It Notes, management will put you two in a cage. If a fellow wrestler moves up the ladder of success faster than you, management would be perfectly fine if you smack them over the head with a steel chair.

Management in real life isn’t as open to the idea of fighting as WWE management are, actually I’d go so far as to say they frown upon it. That’s a shame too, because I think office politics would be less of an issue if employees were allowed to smack the shit out of one another over any petty disagreement.

I truthfully believe that promoting inter-office brawls would eliminate the backstabbing and whisper-talk that infects offices across the country.

Think about it, nobody would want to steal a client from a dude who just put another dude through a table, and no one would talk behind the back of a guy who previously locked the tech support rep in a figure four leglock. Thus, your work environment would become a little less filled with drama, and the overall productivity of your office would increase.

Basically what I’m saying is that violence solves everything, and I urge you to teach that lesson to your kids.

#2 : Spitting Worms Down A Co-Worker’s Mouth …

Most companies would urge their employees to find a way to stand out in the office.

The trick to being successful in the business world is finding a way to break away from the crowd, make people notice you, and hope that your ambition and uniqueness leads to success in the company. The WWE is the same way, only their standards are a little different.

For example, if you want to stand out in your office you might come up with a creative way for your company to decrease overhead in a way that doesn’t hamper productivity, but if you want to stand out in the WWE all you have to do is spit fishing bait down the throats of people you incapacitate.

In the WWE, when you spit worms down the throat of other people, management sees it as an extremely marketable trait. They’ll think of how they can make money off of T-Shirts, posters, and even candy worms. Management in an average American office wouldn’t be as optimistic about your quirky trait as the WWE would be; they’d probably find it horribly inappropriate, in addition to offensive to members of PETA.

I’m not going to lie, working with an employee who regularly spits nightcrawlers down the gullet of people they work with would make going into the office a tad bit more entertaining.

The idea of working next to the cubicle of a guy who regularly munches on worms would make filling out expense reports much more enjoyable, but I’m fairly confident most employers would find it disgusting. On top of that, most co-workers wouldn’t be intrigued at the prospect of having saliva covered worms crawling on their tongue.

What can I say, some people don’t see the big picture.

#1 : Beating Up Your Boss …

Everybody, at one point or another, has wanted to beat the crap out of their boss.

Maybe the boss didn’t give you the vacation time you wanted, or maybe he refused to give you the bonus he promised you. The situations vary, but in the end you have an innate urge to reach over the desk and slap the smile off his overpaid mug.

Unfortunately if you act upon those urges, and beat the snot out of the guy who signs your paychecks, you can pretty much kiss your job goodbye, as well as any chances of getting a reference letter in the future. In the WWE however, beating the hell out of the boss isn’t an express trip to the unemployment line, it's just part of the job

WWE management understands that they’re sometimes going to do things that its wrestlers disagree with. They grasp the fact that not every decision they make is going to be met with smiles and adulation. They understand that some employees are going to voice their disapproval, while others are going to physically display their anger by beating management within an inch of their lives.

Management sees this as a hazard of the job in the WWE. They know that when you’re dealing with guys named The Undertaker, The Boogeyman, and Scotty Goldman that the chances of being beaten and bruised is there; that’s why some members of WWE management are jacked up …

While others look like Vickie Guerrero …

Seriously, no matter how mad you are, you’re never going to beat up a chick that looks like Vickie. Life’s already hurt her enough when the ugly tree fell on her head.

Did I seriously just say "the ugly tree"? That sounds like a line an unhip soccer Mom would mutter.

Anyways, the great thing is, not only would WWE management not fire you if you punted your boss in the head, but they’d consider moving you to a more prosperous position within the company if you were extremely impressive in your ass-kicking. On top of that, when you inevitably leave the WWE they’d still feel okay with wishing you “the best in your future endeavors” .

Seriously, what other company would do that?

Definitely not Wal*Mart, because Wal*Mart sucks.
(c) 2009 Ken Tuccio

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